


Shattered

by Sibbers



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Miscarriage, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-04 22:40:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3094583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sibbers/pseuds/Sibbers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cullen and a Meera Trevelyan deal with the loss of their first child.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shattered

**Author's Note:**

> So this fic came about after my brain though it would be a good time to write something really sad. I spent a day writing this 10 page epic. It hasn't been beta'd yet so if you see mistakes that's why. I tried my best to edit it on my own.

“Quick! Give me your hand”

“There, do you feel it? He’s kicking!”

“She seems quite lively today”

“How do you know it’s a she?”

“How do you know it’s a he?”

“Mothers intuition”

Meera Trevelyan smiled as the tiny child inside her kicked. Lately he had been growing stronger; the kicks come harder than they had before. She held Cullen’s hand against her growing belly, the man’s eye’s lighting up when he felt the kicks. She smiled at him, moving a hand to touch his face.

“You’re going to be a wonderful father, my love” she said softly. 

He moved his hand from her belly, wrapping his arms around her waist, pulling her close. He moved his hands up top cup the sides of her face, framed by her brown hair. 

“And you will be a brilliant mother” he said with a warm smile, moving in for a soft kiss. She smiled into the kiss, and gently walked to the arm chair that had been placed in her quarters for her. She sat herself down slowly. She still had some ways to go before the baby would be born, her already increased size and weight was making things more difficult. She was already feeling the pains of bearing a child, but she didn’t care, she couldn’t wait for the child to be born, to start her family with the man of her dreams. 

Cullen sat down at her feet, and gently took one of them into his hands, and began to gently rub circles into her aching muscles. “How’s that feel?” he asked her gently.

“Oh it feels wonderful” she said closing her eyes, and sinking back into the plush cushions. Corypheus had been defeated, the main threat to the world was gone, but the inquisitions work was not over. They had finally earned the respect of all surroundings nations and continued to accept dignitaries to Skyhold every day. Leliana has been named the new divine, and had requested the inquisition’s help in setting a up new free mage circles across Thedas. The wardens were still in shambles, but Alistair was working on rebuilding the order, also with the inquisitions help. Cassandra worked toward her own goals of restoring the Seeker’s, discoveries of their past transgressions only increased her resolve to restore the group to its former glory. There was no shortage of work, even after Corypheus’s defeat. Meera had often wondered when she and the commander had found the time to have a child. 

“What will we do if she turns out to be a mage” Cullen asked as he rubbed his hands in circles on the balls of her feet. 

“I imagine he will be quite the handful” she said with a chuckle. “Maker knows I caused my parents endless amounts of trouble once my powers had come to surface. Now that Leili- Divine Victoria has disbanded the circle of magi, he may be able to join one of the many free mage circles. They will be able to teach him all he needs”

Cullen smiled “Well, if she isn’t blessed with powers, her father will teach her how to fight better than any of the other boys her age”.

Meera chuckled “I’m sure you will, it would not do for the Commanders daughter not be able to defend herself. The shame it would bring on us” she said with a grin. 

Cullen grinned at her, and moved up to kiss her once more. “There is no way I will allow any of stable boys to be better at fighting then our daughter”.

“Good, because any child of the Inquisitor is going to have be as tough as nails” she said with a smile. 

Cullen stood up, and held out his hand to her. “Come my dear, we have a meeting in the war room in 5 minutes. We shouldn’t keep the other’s waiting”.

“My back is never going to forgive me” grumbled Meera as she brought herself to her feet.

“If you like, I could carry you” teased Cullen, knowing she would never allow it.

She gently punched him on the side of his arm.

“Absolutely not! Even pregnant I still have a reputation to uphold. The woman who saved the world will not be carried around by her husband, even if her back feels like it’s going to be split in two!”

Cullen chuckled as he shied away from the blow, the two of them making their way to the war room.  
\--------------------------------  
“Finally, some time to be alone” said Cullen. The two of them had managed to sneak out of Skyhold without anyone spotting them. Hand in hand they began to walk to a grove just outside of Skyhold. The both of them had taken quite a liking to the place. It was serene and peaceful, allowing them to escape from their duties, even for just a little while. 

“If I have to hear another Orlesian noble tell me how wonderful our hospitality is, I might fling myself off the tallest tower in Skyhold” Meera grumbled.

Cullen looked at her and said “Unfortunately for you my dear, I would never allow that to happen, so you must endure”.

Meera groaned. “Of course none of them would be here if we hadn’t saved the world from Corypheus, I suppose I can blame my frustrations on him”.

“I don’t think Corypheus needs anymore charges to be laid against him, relatively speaking, annoying the inquisitor might not be the worst thing he’s done” he said with a chuckle. 

“Oh I think annoying the Inquis- Ahh!“ she cried mid-sentence. She stumbled forward, reaching one hand towards a tree, holding herself, another pressed against her belly. Her face was contorted into an expression of pain. 

“Meera! What’s wrong” exclaimed Cullen, quickly moving to her side. 

She looked up at him with panic and worry in her eyes. “Cullen, it hurts its hurts so much”. 

Cullen wasted no time, in picking her up and holding her in his arms in front of her, and began to sprint back to Skyhold.

“It’s too early, Cullen, the baby” she panicked.

“It will be alright my darling, the healers will know what to do, don’t worry” he said, trying to comfort her, but even he couldn’t fully mask his worry. 

“Cullen, what if-“

“Shh, don’t say that, everything will be fine” he said.

She let out another cry of pain, writhing in his arms. Both her arms wrapped around her belly. She looked down at her legs. She could feel herself bleeding, a lot. 

“Cullen, hurry….I…I can’t keep my eyes open” she said softly, her eyes closing.

She had just enough time to finish her sentence before she slumped in his arms, losing consciousness.

“Meera!” he cried out, looking down at her in his arms. Fear set in, and he ran back to Skyhold as fast as his legs would allow him. 

He burst into the hospital, the healers looking towards him in shock.

“Help them!” he commanded. His voice wavered, the worry clearly showing through his normal authoritative voice. He set Meera down on the nearest bed. The healers rushed over, and quickly busied themselves, trying to work out what was happening. 

The doctors flitted about, fetching a number of poultices and other equipment. The surgeon ushered the commander out.

“Please commander, wait outside. You won’t want to see this”

He did as they asked, waiting for what seemed like hours on a bench, just outside the door. 

It did not take long for word to spread; Cassandra was the first to come to his side, the rest followed shortly after. Dorian seemed to be in a state of anger, his default mood when presented with something he could not understand, or with questions he could not answer. He all but harassed the healers who would come out from time to time, demanding answers to his questions, for which they had no answers. Varric, who seemed to have stories to lighten the mood for every occasion, could not find one this time. They soon all fell into a sombre silence.  
\--------------------------------  
When Meera, finally came to, she found herself wrapped up in blankets in her own bed. She grimaced as she light seared into her eyes. She sat up slowly, letting out a groan of pain. She rubbed her eyes, her vision soon returning to normal. She searched the room, and quickly she found Cullen, who had fallen asleep on the arm chair he had pulled up beside her bed. 

“Cullen” she called out to him. Her voice roused him from his sleep, awakening with a jolt. When he realised she was awake, his hands found hers.

“Oh Meera, thank the Maker, your awake” he said, relief in his voice. Meera pulled his hands from his, looking around, frantically searching.

“Cullen, where is the baby!? What happened” she said, panic setting into her face.Cullen’s expression dropped into one of sadness. 

“Daring…I…I’m sorry, he didn’t-“

She turned to him, the tears welling in her eyes as her grief took a hold of her. Her world seemed to crumble around her. 

“No!” she cried out. “Don’t you dare!” she screamed, the tears streaming down her face. She balled her fists, and slammed them down onto the mattress, her face showing her grief and anger.

“Cullen, please don’t say that, I’m begging you, please tell me anything else, but don’t tell me that our son is dead” she begged him through her sobs.

Cullen moved onto the bed beside her, pulled her into his arms, holding her close. 

“I’m so sorry my love” he said softly, as she turned to face him and sobbed into his chest. He knew at this moment he needed to be strong, someone for her to depend on, but soon his own tears began to fall. She wrapped her arms around him, pulling him close. As she cried, her heartbroken tears of anguish and grief could be heard all throughout Skyhold.  
\--------------------------------  
That night Cullen left her to sleep on her own. While he would stayed by her side if she had asked, he could see, she needed sometime alone. After thinking about it for a while, her realised he could use the time as well. She had woken some hours after the operation. By now, all in Skyhold knew what had happened. The mood in the castle had dropped. Everyone in their own way, grieved with their Inquisitor. Meera’s companions and the soldiers had begun to lay floral tributes and flowers for the small boy in the chantry.

Meera only slept that night because her body would not allow her to stay awake. The birth had taken its toll on her body. The bandages around her belly told her all she needed to know about what happened.  
When she woke up the next morning, she lay in her bed for hours. She didn’t alert anyone, for that would require the presence of another person. In this moment, she just wanted to be alone.  
She looked up when she heard the door to her quarters open, and the sound of familiar footsteps coming up the stairs. She knew it was Cullen.When he saw she was awake, he looked at her in surprise. He was holding a tray of food in his hands. 

He looked down for a moment and said “Sorry…I didn’t know you were awake, I just wanted to bring you something to eat” he said softly. 

She nodded and said “It’s alright…just don’t tell anyone else. I don’t want to be surrounded by everyone. I-I don’t think I’m ready for that” she said softly. 

He nodded “Of course my dear” he said softly. He walked over and sat down in the same armchair he had occupied the other day. 

“It’s nothing special…the healers said to keep your meals light” he said quietly. 

She looked over to the tray and saw the soup and bread he had brought for her. In that moment, she realised just how hungry she really was. 

She looked over at him and said “Could you help me…my stomach still hurts a lot” she said looking down at her bandaged midsection.

“You don’t even have to ask my love” he said giving her a soft smile. Setting the tray down on his lap, he began to spoon feed her the soup and bread. They both sat in silence as she ate. They didn’t need words to convey their feelings in this moment. They both felt the same sorrow. 

She managed to finish the whole bowl without any issue. Cullen set the tray down on the bedside table beside them. He took her hand in hers and she turned to him. 

“Cullen…I want to see him, take me to him” she said softly.

He seemed to be shocked. “Are you sure?”

She looked back into his eyes. “Take me to our son” she said with determination in her voice.

He nodded and stood. He quickly fetched her night gown before moving back to her. She pulled off her covers and grimaced as she pushed herself to the edge of her bed. Cullen helped her put on the gown on her gently, helping her to her feet. She took a step, and quickly reached for him for support.

“It’s alright, hold onto me” said Cullen, holding her gingerly. 

Slowly they made their way down the stairs and through the halls of Skyhold. The residents of the castle were shocked to see her out of bed soon. Some tried to approach to express the condolences, but were met with a sad look from Cullen, shaking his head, causing them to back away before the words had left their mouths. 

After a few minutes of slow walking, they turned into the hospital. The healers looked up when then entered and backed into one of the side rooms, giving them their privacy. They slowly made their way to the end of the hospital where a small baby crib stood with a sheet placed over the top. Meera swallowed deeply as they got closer, chocking back her tears. 

When they stood in front of the crib, Cullen spoke softly and said “We… We are organising a funeral. It should be in a few days from now” he said softly. Meera nodded, and moved her hand to rest on the top of the sheet. Cullen moved his hands over hers.

“Are you sure you want to do this” he asked quietly.

She nodded and said “I need to see him”. Cullen nodded and gently pulled his hand away. Biting down on her lower lip she pulled the sheet back over the crib, revealing the lifeless body of their tiny child. She gasped when she saw him, moving her hand over her mouth, new tears forming in her eyes. She felt Cullen grip her shoulders, offering support. 

“When the healers realised what was happening, they tried to save him by…cutting him out of you, but because he was so small…he-he didn’t have much of chance of surviving” he said quietly behind her. 

She moved her hand down to touch the child’s soft hair. “He has your hair” she said closing her eyes as tears began to stream down her face. 

Cullen looked down and said “You were right about it being a boy” he said, as his own sorrow began to take a hold of him again. 

She moved her hands down to touch the child’s face. He was so beautiful in her eyes, his life snuffed out before he even had a chance of living it. She pulled her hand away and pulled the sheet back over the crib.  
She turned around to face Cullen and closed her eyes, moving her head to rest on his chest as silent tears fell down her face. Cullen wrapped his around her and pulled her close. 

“At least I didn’t lose you both” he said softly, through his own tears.  
\--------------------------------  
In the next few days, Meera kept mostly to her bed at the advice of the healers. Her body would need time to heal after the surgery and to adjust after the early birth. She had started to accept visitors, the first to see her were her closest companions and advisors. They all rushed into the room together, bearing flowers, offering her their condolences. She smiled for their benefit, but inside she was still a broken. She knew they could all see through her. 

Varric sighed and said “We all would have loved that kid…even chuckles if he was still around, the bastard” he grumbled. 

Dorian looked to Varric “There’s no sense in talking about him, he left, as was his right to…still, he did have some knowledge of healing perhaps –“

Meera closed her eyes. She didn’t want to hear about what ifs. Talking about things they did wrong was not going to change the past.

Cassandra cut him off “Dorian!” she said in a curt tone, urging him to stop talking. Meera closed her eyes and saw him look down a bit and continued to more. Cassandra sighed and said “I’m going to go hit something” she said grumbling.

Josephine watched her leave “I hope she doesn’t scare away the new recruits” she said with a distressed sigh. 

Sera laughed “They won’t have anything left by the time she’s done with them”. She turned to Iron bull and said “Come on Bull, let’s make sure she has something tougher to hit then the training dummies”

Bull nodded. “I feel like I need to hit something myself. Get well soon Boss” he said as he turned to leave with Sera. 

“I’ll try Bull” she said softly. 

Varric, Josephine, Leliana and Blackwall all stayed for a while longer, listening to another one of Varric’s stories about his adventures with Hawke. They exchanged a few laughs for a while before they all too took there leave.  
Cole, who had been quite until point, emerged from the shadows of the room. He looked at her from underneath his wide brimmed hat and began to speak softly.

“Pain, panic, worry. It hurts, it hurts so much, the blood, Maker please make it stop, Maker please let him l-“

“Cole!” said Meera, her anger coming through. When she realised, she softened her expression.

“I know you want to help….but please, not now” she said softly.

He nodded and said “It’s not your fault” softly before turning to leave after.  
\--------------------------------  
The funeral had come and gone. It had been a quite affair, only their closest were present. The rest of the inquisition had wanted to make tributes, but the growing pile of flowers they had all laid had been enough. Meera could not cry anymore in her grief. Instead her face seemed to always be a reflection of her sorrow. She hardly smiled anymore, and even when she did, her eyes didn’t smile with her mouth. 

A week after the funeral, the healers gave her a clean bill of health. They said she would be still sore while she healed, but she was on the road to recovery. Cullen had started sleeping in the same bed with her again, now that she had healed enough. Cullen had tried to show his love and support for Meera, but he was faced with a coldness he had not felt from her before. He tried not to let it upset him. He knew she was still grieving. 

That night he returned to their room a little later then he normally would, having spent some time in the tavern with the others. Meera was already lying in bed when he arrived. She looked over at him when he walked in. She gave him a smile before closing her eyes, and sinking back into her pillow. 

Once he had taken off his armour and clothing, Cullen got into the bed beside her. Her back was faced to him, but he moved over to kiss her shoulder softly. Meera shrugged him off and said “Sorry Cullen, not right now”.  
Cullen pulled away, a little hurt. “I only…I only wanted to kiss you good night” he said quietly, pulling back from her. 

Meera’s voice dropped. “Sorry…that was… brash of me”

“It’s alright my love, I understand” he said quietly. He rolled back on his back. He knew she would have to take it easy for a while yet, while the wound across her stomach healed. He closed his eyes and sank back into the bed.  
\--------------------------------  
The months passed on, and the Inquisitions work continued. After three weeks of rest, Meera returned to work, fully healed in body, but not in spirit. She was a shadow of her old self. Cullen tried his best to bring her out of her grief, but she would hardly let him touch her anymore. As much as he tried to make her smile, guilt took a hold of her when she found herself laughing, and she returned to her grief. 

Weeks turned into months. She stopped letting him hold her when they slept. He could feel her building walls around herself. It hurt him to think that she was shutting him out. If she just let him in, if she just talked about her feelings, perhaps he could help. Cole had offered many times to help them, but Cullen turned him down. 

“This pain is something we need to work through ourselves Cole. Your concern is appreciated” he offered the boy.

Cole looked at him with sadness. “It hurts to see two people who love each other, so…apart” he said quietly.

Cullen watched the boy leave. Sometimes he wished he wasn’t so perceptive. 

That night, he lay in bed, looking up at the ceiling. He sighed, deep in his own thoughts. Once again, she lay with her back facing him.

“Meera, can we please talk?” Cullen asked.

“About what” she said softly.

“You know what...about our son” he said quietly.

“I don’t want to talk about that” she responded, her voice changing to one of frustration.

“That’s exactly the problem, Meera!” exclaimed Cullen, his own frustration coming through.

“How can we ever work through this if we pretend that it never happened? I love you Meera, stop shutting me out!” he begged.

He rolled over to his side, turning to face her. “Yes, we lost our son, but you can’t keep wallowing in your grief, it’s not going to bring him back. You’re a ghost of the woman I used to love” he said softly.

“Stop trying to pretend as though you understand how I feel” said Meera, more of her anger coming through.

Cullen looked at her with a hurt expression on his face. “He was my son too Meera. I loved him as much as you did. You’re not the only one who is grieving” he said, his own anger coming through his voice. 

Meera closed her eyes. She could feel the tears welling in her eyes again. She bit down on her lower lip, and turned to face him. 

“Your right…I-I’m sorry Cullen” she said quietly. Cullen’s expression softened and he reached out to pull her close, but she pulled away.

“No! I do- I don’t deserve your comfort. I deserve to be guilty” she said sobbing.

“Guilty, what do you mean” said Cullen confused.

She looked up at him, tears streaming down her face. “I killed him Cullen, it’s my fault! I couldn’t take care of our boy and he died! It’s my fault!” 

Cullen’s expression softened. He pulled her close, even though she fought him. His hands moved to her back and to the back of her head as she cried.

“Don’t ever say that, don’t even think that! It’s not your fault! It’s not anyone’s fault” he said softly into her ear. “No, you’re lying, you’re lying because you love me and you want me to feel better, but you know that it was me!”

She pulled away, and whispered “Cullen please, please forgive me”.

He moved his hand up to wipe away her tears. “There is nothing to forgive my love, nothing”. He moved his lips to hers and kissed her for their first time in what felt like years. She kissed him back, deepening the kiss. 

She pulled away gently and looked down. “I have felt guilty for so long…It may take me some time to-“

“It’s alright, take as much time as your need” said Cullen.  
\--------------------------------  
The laughter of children could be heard in the courtyard, as a young boy and girl, who could be no older than 4 years old, chased each other around the gardens. Meera chased after them both, trying to catch the two of them.  
“Phillip! Theresa! Stop running right now!” she yelled after the children. The boy had long dark hair, the same as his mother, which was pulled back into a pony tail. The girl, had long since pulled her hair from its ties, the blonde curls flying around in the air behind her.

“Ah hah! Got you!”. Meera let out a sigh as she watched Cullen block them off and scoop up a child one into each of his arms. Smiling at them he looked over at both of the children. “What did I tell you two about listening to your mother?”  
The two looked down guilty. “Sorry father” they both said in unison. 

Over time, Meera and Cullen worked through their grief together. They had even enlisted the help of Cole, who could provide a better understanding of their inner thoughts then they themselves. They decided, after some bravery on Meera’s part, to try for children again. They had ended up with two healthy children, twins.

Meera walked over to Cullen, giving him a peck on the lips. “Maker help us if the both them turn out to be mages” she said with a sigh. Even though she commanded the attention of entire nations, she seemed to not be able to hold the attention of her own children for more than a few seconds. 

Cullen chuckled “Oh I’m sure the inquisitor can handle it” he said with a grin. He set the children down and he ruffled both of her heads. “Now, be careful, don’t worry your mother, Maker knows she has enough to worry about” he said with a grin. No sooner had he set them down, the two began chasing after one another in the gardens. 

Meera sighed and shook her head. “Oh, let them have their fun” said Cullen with a smile. He pulled her close and gave her a kiss. She kissed him back gently. She turned to face their children again and sighed “What am I going to do with these two”.


End file.
